I ... entirely forgot to update over the course of a week. My mistake.

I'm still trying to pry those ribbons of inspiration from somewhere. I'm a dry well again and I'm only hoping that once I get my new tablet all set up that maybe it'll revive me, if only in temporary spirit. Sometimes it annoys me so, those word-manipulators who can just cast the effect at whatever they chose, when they chose. Wish I could manipulate such things.

One thing has given me hope and a goal, however. Wolfgang.


Isn't he beautiful? I only wish I could convey his playful regality. But I think it's the burnt sienna faded on the backs of his ears that warms me the most.

And Ruedi.


The only wolf many have seen with blue eyes.

They're both so playful and full of life, socialized but still untame at the same time.

I'm hoping to adopt Wolfgang this winter, and I'd like to adopt Basil next spring.


And isn't Monty's photography amazing ?


*Sigh.* I'm just not really sure today.


In truth, things have been fine. Relationships stabilized, home life barely a blip on the radar, work nothing outside of the usual stresses and lacks of stamina. But there's a lingering sadness I need to know before squandering it, and a lack of communication with a few people, which I feel is hurting me.

Sal, I miss you. Hikari, I wish I could talk to you more, as you always brighten me up. Tsu, I'm wishing the best for you and yours and apologize if I haven't been in contact lately. Carie, I hope I'm supporting you the way I should be. Chris, love me ? Because you're my brother-soul that I'm not sure what I would do without, without someone relying on me to support them and telling me everything. Mako, I miss you something terrible. I could inexplicably open up to you with very little energy on your part, and I still need someone to do that for me, quietly and thanklessly, because those are things I see in you. I hope you come back to visit. Max, I still think of you often, and I don't know why. Explain ? Puppy, I love you, even when we're dry for months and months. It's the years that matter, right? Jared, I don't understand you anymore or why I'm so apathetic towards you. But I want you to come back and fix it, because I miss the connection we had. My Leo, forever, right ? Toasty, I hope you're taking care of yourself because sometimes I fear no one else will. I cannot be there in that stead in the same ways I cannot for so many others. Powerlessness has always been an intimate friend of mine. Creamy, I hope your situations are improving. I'd ask you to call me, but I don't think you ever really could/would. Jer, I think I dreamt of you the other night, and my dreams can sometimes be ... warnings. I hope your heart is as strong as the words you use to influence me are.

And, Erin ... I love you. Horribly, wonderfully, harmfully, helpfully, unwittingly, purposely ... indefinably. I've admitted a few things to you recently that I think may have ... surprised you ? Intimidated you ? I can't help that, can't fix that. I only ask for your judgement to be gentle. I'm not sure what I'm going to do without you this year. I feel a terrible dread hiding in my veins, and I hope it doesn't reach my heart.

Like the title says.

( They come with their arsenals in a day’s even time... )

i actually wrote something original, and I owe it all to my Kotaru. ♥

He gave me the prompt:

Write a short first-person story of someone's entire life. Make the sentences islands of themselves, the scene of action, and detail. Don't worry about making "sense" from sentence to sentence (which is good advice for any kind of writing). But also don't forget that a reader has to follow a thread, a set of bread crumbs, a trail of broken branches, footprints, and crumpled candy wrappers. Focus on the details that reveal the personality and changes in personality of this character. How do people change, why do they change? Imagine a frame device that makes this kind of story possible - a guy in a bar; a grown woman magically transported back to the third grade who is asked to tell what she did last summer, except she confuses this with 'what did you do with your life?'

I fell in love with it. I was talking to Jer and told him it was fun to have control over someone's life, to manipulate the subtle shifts of personality: from innocence to dirtied and finally happiness.

Please, read and review? I would very much like some positive feedback.

( It's not as though I can remember birth... )

taaaaattoooooooo toniiiiiiiiiiiight.

yayz.

Look, I've been thinking about this. I really have. It's been .. sitting there, rotting, staying, leaving little black fingerprints everywhere, point to the direction I should go, and ... I don't know. Sometimes I feel like you're dragging me down. I have to tell you all the time, "why so negative"?

And, I know, I'm negative, too. But you keep winding up alone and keep wondering why and keep thinking it's everyone else's fault.

I hate to say it, but I have friends outside of you. And I try to share, try to get you to laugh with me, but all I get from you is ... this green little vibe, and over protective jealousy. I get involved with your friends, right? Ask what the drama is, what's going on, offer support while you're on the phone with them in my car...

I mean, I just don't get it. I don't get how I can be the one in all the wrong and still be the first person you come running to.

I get mad because, every time you talk about "them", it's me, too. It is, I know it is, I can feel it in my pulse and on my fingertips. It's not fucking paranoia, it's you trying to drop those hintshintshints and they're tearing me apart because I want to pick up on them.

It's like you're desperately clinging to me but at the same time pushing me away.

I don't want this anymore. You say you want me in your life, but ALL we ever talk about is ... problems and muses. That's it. Woe and a feeble attempt at summoning up inspiration.

That's not what I want from a friend and it's certainly not what I want from a girlfriend. I try to kiss you, touch you, because it's all routine. I don't feel like it's what I really want, and I'm trying desperately to break myself from that, but sometimes the comfort ...

Even the spiritualist told me my heart had just been broken, and that someone was being very mean to me ... I think it's you. That was my first thought ... you were being "mean" to me. And maybe you don't do it on purpose, maybe it's an unintentional malice, but ...

but you hurt me. And I don't like being hurt.

I want to say I care about you, but I've already told you I don't. I told you this would happen, that you would hurt me. I told you it wasn't always intentional, too.

I must be a fucking psychic.

So here's me saying I don't want to be with you. At all. I want to move on. I'm tired of this first love swirling dark matter chaos spiral seasick wanton desire situation thing that I've gotten myself all wrapped up in.

And my mind keeps quoting Jer, 'pocket of tangles lonelinesses', because that's all that I, we, are.

I'm not getting what I want, and, the way your journals keep going, neither are you.

So, go back to school. Learn something. Become a better person than I am for doing this to you, for what you do to me, I don't care. I don't care how you justify it, if you make me out to be the bad one, I don't care. I just want this to end. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you being so down and out and sometimes I think the only reason I haven't done this before is because every time I start to you, you have another one of your phases and I can't bring myself to.

If you want to hear me say it, call me.

If you want to see me not care, stop by. There's a bench on the front porch.

But I'm telling you either way. No more.

I seriously need to hook some of my friends up. They're having the exact same issues.

And, I get it, I'm a listener.

But you know what? I really don't care.

I've got my own problems, kthnx. I'm trying to actually FIX mine. Through counselling, through going to work, through trying to actually WAKE UP ON TIME in the morning. I'm getting my finances in order, etc.etc.

Are you doing the same?

Ask yourself. Seriously. Are you?

Because I'm not about to bend over my back and comfort someone who just wants to wallow in their own cesspit.

I'm a catastrophe in my own. Don't unload your problems on me if you don't want to listen to what I have to say and not be a bitch about it.

I offer my opinion in what I believe is resolute and true. If you don't want to take it, not my fucking problem.

Don't like your friends? Ditch 'em. Don't like the person who's already fucked you over once? You shouldn't've let them fuck you over twice. Don't like your parents? Tough. None of us do. Don't like your job? Get a new one, or go the fuck back to school.

HONESTLY. Fix your own fucking problems; that's why they're YOURS.

-->Go to photobucket.
-->Don't log in.
-->Type your answers in the search bar.
-->Post/Link first pic.

W h a t i s y o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p s t a t u s ?
http://media.photobucket.com/image/fucktarded/courtneyfuckingrocks/fucktarded/humanbridge.jpg

W h o i s y o u r c e l e b r i t y c r u s h ?
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W h a t i s y o u r f a v o u r i t e c o l o u r ?
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W h a t a r e y o u c u r r e n t l y l i s t e n i n g t o ?
http://media.photobucket.com/image/gay%20bar/bmitts/London%202008/IMG_2379.jpg?o=6

W h a t i s y o u r f a v o u r i t e m o v i e ?
http://media.photobucket.com/image/four%20brothers/jmayo153/four_brothers.jpg

Y o u r f a v o u r i t e D i s n e y P r i n c e s s ?
http://media.photobucket.com/image/alice/cookiemonsterson/Alice.jpg

D r e a m v a c a t i o n ?
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W h a t d o y o u w a n n a b e w h e n y o u g r o w u p ?
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W h a t d o y o u l o v e m o s t ?
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O n e w o r d t h a t d e s c r i b e s y o u .
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W h e r e w e r e y o u b o r n ?
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W h a t i s y o u r o b s e s s i o n ?
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W h a t i s y o u r l a s t n a m e ?
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a friend's dog is sick and she needs monies like horribly. she's a very talented artist and a good person who's just going through some rough times. so if you've got some change to spare?

go here to check some things out: http://horizonrider.livejournal.com/45702.html she's even got like a cellphone for sale and collectable items, carburetors, etc.

please help?

That Personality Test :: Your Results
The latest personality test from ThatSurveySite... now featuring more and better questions than ever!
Emotional (64%)	[.......|||..........]	Logical (36%)
Concerned about self (44%)	[..........|.........]	Concerned about others (56%)
Atheist (78%)	[....||||||..........]	Religious (22%)
Loner (71%)	[......||||..........]	Dependent (29%)
Laid-back (77%)	[.....|||||..........]	Driven (23%)
Traditional (19%)	[..........||||||....]	Rebel (81%)
Impetuous (70%)	[......||||..........]	Organized (30%)
Engineering mind (38%)	[..........||........]	Artistic mind (62%)
Cynical (50%)	[....................]	Idealist (50%)
Follower (37%)	[..........|||.......]	Leader (63%)
Introverted (47%)	[..........|.........]	Extroverted (53%)
Conservative (29%)	[..........||||......]	Liberal (71%)
Logical (59%)	[........||..........]	Romantic (41%)
Uninterested (13%)	[..........|||||||...]	Sexual (87%)
Insecure (24%)	[..........|||||.....]	Confident (76%)
Selective (50%)	[....................]	Tolerant (50%)
Pessimistic (87%)	[...|||||||..........]	Optimistic (13%)
Principled (57%)	[.........|..........]	Pragmatic (43%)
Tolerant (29%)	[..........||||......]	Opinionated (71%)
Humble (10%)	[..........||||||||..]	Elitist (90%)
Take the test!

The 50/50s make me laugh.

Been listening to Avenged Sevenfold recently. Songs that really call to me and the issues I'm going through right now, even on radically different scales.

[bolded parts really stick out to me, descriptions afterwards. exceeding rants of emo and anger. me "spilling it" i guess.]

( Seize the Day. )

( Sidewinder. )

( Trashed and Scattered. )

( Burn it Down. )

And, lastly, ( Bat Country. [but i'm only quoting parts of it.] )

I think I've done this one before, but.


Ask me a question about each of the following:

1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Music
4. Drugs
5. Love
6. LiveJournal

No matter how rude, sexual, or confidential. Then post this in your journal and see what questions you get asked.


I'll do it again. Some things have changed, and some new people are on the FList. ♥

I. I JUST.

I JUST RECEIVED AN EMULATOR AND CHAIN OF MEMORIES FOR MY COMPUTER.

AUUGHHHH. *soul consumed.*


Sure, I'll have to start over, but. I'LL NEVER RUN OUT OF BATTERIES. AND IT'S A BIGGER SCREEN.



AND KO EVEN SAID HE COULD FIND A PSP EM AND CRISIS CORE FOR ME.

GOD I LOVE THAT BOY.

*INSERT MORE CAPSLOCK.*

Your turn, Carie. XD

yeah, tsu. i'm talkin' to you.

go look here. liek nao.

OH AND CARIE SHOULD LOOK AT IT, TOO. in case she wants to join. XD



baddaybreakdownthing post is coming; i swear.

i love you guys ... so much.

the support's been ... amazing. all of you, wanting me to feel better.

and i'm not better. yet. i'm not better yet.

but i think maybe i will be.

and i think, maybe, when this sadness, this madness starts creeping back in, i can ... put it here, and not be judged.

and maybe ... some of the people in my life ... maybe i can trust them, too.

because trusting's so fucking hard.


but ... but for right now, i'm going back to my lonely mattress, and my lonely, white, echoing walls ...

and hope, maybe, someone will give me the glow of another text that can help me smile ...

because i just can't trust my voice right now.



the phone bill be damned.

[812] 344 2488 ♥

Today, I was ... hospitalized ... for a mental breakdown, sent into crisis and ... received immediate therapy.

I hate therapists. They're so full of generic questions and I hate repeating things about myself I already know.

I want to be told something. Someone, please, please, just tell me something ... Tell me there's something wrong with me so maybe the world will make sense. Because I can't believe there isn't something wrong; I can't believe that I'm just "stressed".

It's been like this for ... years, a dark demon coiled up in my insides. He's so restless; he's so ... so ... angry. And I want to be like him, have that anger, but all I have is ... overflowing sadness.

I haven't stopped crying since 1:30 today. It's now 9:30. That's not ... that shouldn't even be physically possible.

I feel ill. Dizzy. I ache all over. I don't know what to do with myself. I just want someone to touch me.

God, I've never sobbed so hard in my life. I kept falling to my knees and just ... just crying, shaking, uncontrollably.

I'm for definite clinically and/or manically depressive. Possibly bipolar. My entire family [and some friends] notice my moods going in circles.

I hate this roller coaster.


And, god, my mom painted my room white. That's what started the beginning of the tangant. I just wanted to come home and go to bed and ... and I couldn't, because ... because there was shit all over my bed and I ... it reeked of paint and it's bad enough the walls have been echoing back at me, but now they're ... they're sterile, like a hospital room or ... or white-knuckle pain, or or or .. bleached bone ...

Why white?! WHY FUCKING WHITE?!

It reeks. That new paint smell, and ... god, it just tears me in two.

I just broke. And I couldn't stop breaking, and no one knows the real me because I don't know how to show it.

I'm ... I'm evil. Deep down, I just don't care. I just hate everything, hate everyone, feel no sympathy for your problems, or her problems, or my problems ... or ...

god, get off the fucking pills. get off the vice, get off the sexthedrugsthesorrowtheragecauseitsalltherageandidon'tknowwhattodowithitanymore.

it's eating me inside, like acid rotting away at my heart.

and maybe that will be relief, maybe that will make me all better, if i don't have a heart to care. i just wish the outside would match the inside [cold and ugly and vicious and deaddeadcadaverdead].

but that's not how humans are made, that's not how we tick. and i have to be strong; i'm supposed to be strong, supposed to be the one who never cries and never breaks and is always the statue-stick-steel thing that i show everyone and beneath that is sorrow and beneath that is rage.


i couldn't bring myself to tell anyone the bad thoughts ... the really bad thoughts ... the ones about dreaming of dismembering someone and wrapping it up in saran wrap and watching the blood trying to seep out but coagulating in those tight, tight folds.

or the one about rape, where her thighs are dripping with blood and darkness and her face would be screwed up like used latex glove to be discarded after surgery.

that more often than i should i have those dreams that have me clawing at my mattress. nobody ever asked why the damn thing's ripped open. nobody ever sees the signs, hears me when i want attention so bad it gives me goosebumps before the tears burn and itch down my skin.


i've lost all control. i'm afraid of myself and what i might do: to myself, to others, with this deep-seated sadism that makes my fingertips revolt.


i'm not this person everyone sees. i'm so different depending on who i'm with, how my personality fluctuates and never settles on a specific design. but there's default: sarcastic, cynical, atheist ... but it's not me. because i'm ... i'm ...

i'm evil. and i don't know how to handle it, don't know how to keep pushing down this darkness, pushing down this sorrow and--...

god, i think the pill kicked in. i'm so tired.

but i'm so tired and being tired, sick of being sick ... i just want to find somewhere that's mine.

those walls were mine until they were painted white.

why white?

why?

Not a decent update.

Got dragged to the Fair. Carnie Food and screechy rides. Uch. I'm not feeling so well now ... *Goes to pop a pill.*

Toasty, I hope you feel better today. I liked our talk [or ... your talking to me and me not being able to say the right words x_x], and I hope I helped you at least some. ♥



I don't wanna go to work tomorrow. *Tilts dizzily.*



I'm also secretly contemplating taking a temporary hiatus from Kingdom Hearts. I dunno yet.

Then again, I need a break from a lot of things. I ... may distance myself for a little while and ... rethink some things.

But I know I need new fandoms. Looking into writing and getting more involved in Vampire Knight, Ouran, D.Gray-Man, Wolf's Rain, Vampire Hunter D, ... anything different.

May strolling back into RP. I miss it so.

"I should not be so apathetic."

I keep telling myself that. But it hasn't worked yet.



Anybody got how-to-has-compassion tips? I think it could make me a better person.

I'm just not sure if I care enough to be a better person.

Augh, crap. Stop sucking so much, life.

Apparently I'm staying at my job. Supposed to be getting a big raise. Whooo *sarcastic flagwave.*

Got part of my tattoo worked on. Will upload pics later. My mom somehow talked me into putting some lotion on it and stupid me didn't read the bottle it had aloe on it.

Never doing that again. Ever. It was already painful ... and then it just became ... I dunno. Oww.

TJSKFLAJSLTSUFINISHEDHERFICFORMEFJKDLSJA;. I gotta read it. Naoooo.




And a meme:

Pick a fandom and I'll tell you:
1. The first character I fell in love with.
2. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now.
3. The character everyone else loves that I don't.
4. The character I love that everyone else hates.
5. The character I used to love but don't any longer.
6. The character I would shag anytime.
7. The character I'd want to be like.
8. The character I'd slap.
9. A pairing that I love.
10. A pairing that I hate.

That's all for now, I guess.